Over the last 3 months, I really had thought of blogging to deal with my emotions. However, as the months went by, I somehow just couldn't put my thoughts and emotions into words, no matter how hard I tried.
In the last 3 months my life has drastically changed. I have found some sort of inner peace that I never knew existed. I have found happiness, a happiness that no one will ever steal from me again. I found joy where joy never really truly existed. I found strength in which I was lacking considerably. I found that with all this, I became a different woman. The main thing that was stolen, or robbed from me was self worth, and finding self worth has been the most rewarding.
With having self worth once again, I now dress better. I no longer wear baggy sweatpants with holes in the ass. I no longer wear t-shirts 2 sizes bigger than me that are ripped, stretched and bleached. I no longer go with out make up and I take time every day to apply my makeup even if I am not going anywhere. My sense of style has changed in clothing and I even started wearing heels again. I feel better and I look better. I have so many people who tell me not only have my looks changed, but so has my attitude. People tell me they cannot believe how much different I look now, and some even have said I have a radiant glow.
For the first 3 months, I quit eating. I basically had to make myself eat. In doing so, I lost a lot of weight in the beginning. I have sort of come to a stand still now in the weight loss process, but I am still trying. I eat better, healthier and I eat less. I do not snack between meals and sometimes I have to remind myself to eat.
I have found friendship in my family and I have found friendship in my neighbors. I have found that my friends, are my true friends, and that they would do anything in the world for me and in return, I would do anything for them. They have helped me so much in so many ways and to them I am most thankful!
Being able to have friends once again, and spending time with my friends has been so rewarding. It is with them and my daughters that I laugh the most, more than I have in a very long time.
My mom has helped me in ways that I can never express, emotionally and financially. She has gone through the same thing as I, and with her advice, and her strength, I have been able to learn and gain so much from her. She truly has taught me a lot and I love her so much.
In finding a new me, or simply just finding myself once again, I have been very busy. I am no longer controlled and I can come and go as I please, and I can do so alone. Before, anytime I wanted to go anywhere, or needed to go anywhere I would have to take one of my daughters with me. I was never allowed to go anywhere alone. Now, with freedom, I love going places alone. Sometimes my daughters do not understand when I tell them that I rather go to the store alone. Its not because of them, its because I am simply enjoying a taste of freedom.
No matter the freedom, I still find myself seeking the comfort and safety of my own home and my bedroom. Some days I just want to stay home and do whatever I please. Heavily armed with thick huge sticks, baseball bats, tire irons, a small gun, and alarms on my windows and doors, one would think they had entered Fort Knox, but inside, my home,is filled with nothing but happiness and positivity, and is very welcoming and comforting.
Friday, I go for my divorce. My feelings and my emotions have been all out of sorts the last couple of days. I have been crying more than I ever have, and I have been very anxious, very scared, and very worried. It is not like we have any real property to divide, or any children to divide because the girls are 18 and 20. It is just the fact that he can be unpredictable and very intimidating. It is he that I fear Friday, not the court or the divorce, but he.
As I said in the beginning, I had every intention of blogging about my emotions, in helping deal with my emotions during my separation. I would try every night to write something, but nothing would really come to mind. I think deep down a part of me was scared of the change in me, the change in my life, and I couldn't write about it, because I was confused, and not really knowing this new person emerging. I was a stranger to myself. LOL.
I have been traveling down a new road. It is not a lonely road. It is a road filled with happiness, joy, laughter, craziness, friendships, love, humor and finding new things and new life and as I travel down this new road, I will blog about my adventures, my discoveries, my peace...my journey to a new life, to a new me, but still remaining....Simply Kel.
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread wings and fly away
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly, I believe I can fly
- R. Kelly
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