Laugh if you will, but you will not damage me!

I laugh at those who think they can damage me. They do not know what I think. They cannot even touch the things which are really mine and which I live.
-Epictetus

In the past, my wounds became many. He would always talk about me, behind my back, to others. There were times, he would be so nice, so sweet, so loving to me, yet when I walked away he spoke ill of me. When I was not with him, his friends, my friends, my children, would tell me some of the mean and cruel things he said about me. My children quit repeating his evil words and kept it to themselves. They got to a point where they just did not want to hear it any longer, and tried to tune him out.  They quit telling me as they knew how it hurt me, and they quit telling me, so I would not confront him and begin a fight.

Not all ill feelings were spoken behind my back, but to my face as well. I tolerated it better when he spoke it directly to me. Yet, each time, the knife sliced deeper and deeper. Old wounds  were opened back up. New wounds formed, and the slice of his tongue, the lash of his words, became scars, scars of the pain,  scars in my heart when  I no longer could heal the brokenness
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When I could no longer heal the brokenness, I stayed away from him, as much as I could. I walked on egg shells wondering what mood he was going to be in. He knew I hated him talking about me. He knew how he could hurt me. He knew the WORDS hurt the worst.

I would silently sing in my head "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". I sang the childhood song in my head, trying to convince myself he could not, and would not hurt me any longer. But I was weak, and each time, I became weaker.

I would cry myself to sleep. My pillow soaked in salty puddles. Why did I stay, when I was so miserable? Somewhere deep down, somehow, I loved him, and with that love came trust. I trusted him. I trusted him. I loved, cared, and trusted him. How in the hell did I become so naive? How did I become so damn stupid?

Manipulative, mind games, powers to control my mind..oh he was so good. He could control me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  He could swoon me just right, he could touch me so gently, he could make love so passionately, he could make me love him so........YET turn around and shadow me with his darkness, speak so violently, glare at me with eyes so red, he could make me cry from just one word, he could make me hate him so.

I became everything he needed me to be...weak, lonely, ugly, fat,  powerless, sad, paranoid, scared, frightened, and depressed.  I became all he needed me to be, I was perfect then, perfect for him, I was perfect in every way. Perfect enough for him to control every part of me..mind, body, and soul.

I hated the person I had become. I hated myself for all I was. I fell into a deeper, darker, state of mind after his heart attack, that almost killed him. He became more mean, more controlling, more verbal abusive and more whacked in the head.  It was during this time, he became someone I didn't know. He was not the same husband. I thought I could fix the old husband. I thought I could rekindle everything we might have had. I thought I could fix us, but in the end, I became too tired. I was too tired to fight. Too damaged to care. Too emotional to continue to make us whole and right. His words became harsher, his actions of talking about me behind my back became so much more, that he didn't even care who he talked to. His infidelity became more and more, and his hatred for me became too clear and in the end, I gave up.

Yes, I gave up!

I gave up, and I decided to end 20 years of marriage. I decided it was time that I take a new journey, a new voyage. A voyage to find the person I used to be. To find the person I need to be. To find the person I want to be. I am starting to find her, and I'm starting to like her, just a little bit.