Just 3 or 4 days after my husband and I separated, I spent $5 on a movie. The movie was titled "The Women". The movie was about Meg Ryan learning that her husband was having an affair with the gorgeous Eva Mendes. She went through all the emotions of anger, confusion and pain, and had a really difficult time coming to terms with his infidelity. It was also about friendships and bonding with friends. I did not like how the movie ended, but I loved the movie itself. The movie was a comedy, however it tugged at my heart strings. I learned a lot from that movie. I learned, how easy it is to pull your shit together and go on with your life, but YOU have to know what YOU want! When Meg Ryan discovered what she wanted, she became a very successful business woman, owning her own company. She did not need him any longer. she lived for herself and not for him.
I have gone through about 3 days of depression lately, not so much depression, but being in a funk. I am having a hard time bringing myself out of it. I am not regretting my decisions, matter off fact I am still very proud of myself for my decisions. I am just scared of the future, what will the future hold, and what will become of me? I sat down this morning, and I thought back for a minute. Hell, everyone I talk to, says I look better than I ever have. People tell me that I have like a new energy and positiveness about me. They are right, I do, but I still have some sort of anxiety that resides deep in me.
I had so much negative energy in me when it all first happened, that I used that negative energy to get him out of my house, my property...I sold the stuff he did not take with him. I cleaned his maggot, roach infested shed out, and I burned what I couldn't sell. I wanted him out of my life, and I did not want anything of his near me. I took his photos down off Facebook. I took our family portraits and shoved the mop handle repeatedly through his face over and over again, while glass busted, and shards of glass sprayed everywhere. I screamed words of hate, but I was releasing all that negative energy I had been carrying for so long!
I used up all that negative energy, in cleaning the yard, cleaning his junk from his years of hoarding, and I used that negative energy to plant flowers, and gardens.
And now, all that negative energy has been used up, and I feel cleansed of him.
So now what? What do I do now?
Now, I need to get over this anxiety, and I need find the energy, take this renewed positive energy I have and put it forth, set it forth in motion, to find what Kelly wants!
What do I Want?
1. I want to set goals, realistic goals, goals that are not beyond my reach and pursue those goals head on with a passion.
2. I want to find my self worth. I need to know I have self worth!
3. I want to love again, learn to love again, but be able love again.
4. I want to be loved, truly loved. Truly loved, and made to feel loved. I want to find someone who can be inlove with me, and me inlove with them, and we both know the value and purity of true love! BUT IM NOT RUSHING THIS!
5. I want a job, a career, one that I am happy with, one that I will never ever have to be dependent on another person EVER, EVER AGAIN.
To be able to conquer #1 I need to make another list of my goals. That will be for my next blog, I do believe. LOL
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