Almost a year has gone by and I found "Me"

It has been almost a year since my divorce. August 30th will be a year. I took some time away from blogging and networking except through Facebook and Instagram.

So much has changed during that time. Not only have I changed, but my daughters have changed as well. Everything has changed.

For starters, we moved over 350 miles away from the only town I've always known. The town I grew up in, the town I raised my daughters in...the town where I left all my family and friends behind. We moved not only to get away from my ex-husband, but to start life all over again. To start brand new. New beginnings! It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I thought divorcing my ex was hard, but moving to a new city where we knew nothing about, and where we knew no one was very hard. Matter of fact it was a culture shock. We moved from a tiny house my kids grew up in, located in the country, to a big city and living in an apartment. We have been here almost 6 months and we are still adjusting to the change. One thing for sure, we are safe, and never have to look  over our shoulder. When we first moved, it felt we were in a witness protection program or something, but we knew we were safe.

It hasn't been easy. We all 3 have gone through our own depressions, yet, we bounce right back. We three continuously fight his demons on a daily basis. I guess when you go through 20 years of negativity, and hearing what a pathetic person you are, it gets drilled into your subconscious. I have learned to dig down, way down, and find the person I was before marrying him. That person didn't take any shit from anybody and she was one tough cookie. When I kicked my ex husband out, I found that toughness, the strong person still existed, she just had to be found again.

I was reunited with an old male friend on Facebook, and he recently told me, he couldn't believe I put up with the abuse as long as I did. He said "you were the toughest chic I ever knew, you didn't take shit off anybody. What happened?"  Honestly, I think what happened, my ex made me who he wanted me to be. Pathetic and weak. At one time in our marriage, early on, I loved him so much that I would do anything. I remember one time when we were fighting I was sobbing uncontrollably and I asked him "please tell me what I can do to make you love me more". I believe from that point on, he knew he had me, and could control me and manipulate me, and abuse me. From that point on I surrendered unto him. I became the person he wanted me to be.

Today, that person no longer exists. Yet, it's hard to explain who I am now. I am defiantly  not the same person I was during those 20 years. My daughter once told my mama "Mama has changed so much, she's totally different, shes a new person, but I like the new Mama". My mama replied "You've always known the weakness, you never knew the real Kelly. You are seeing the real Kelly. I now have my daughter back". Those were some strong words coming from my mother. It was then I realized I had found myself. I had taken back my self esteem. I had taken back what was robbed from me, and that was....Me!

Finding "Me'' again, I have fought hard with each of his demons and battles that come my way. Even living 350 miles away, he still tries to get something over on me. I always have to remain a step above him, always be prepared, and that alone pisses him off. But even fighting those demons, and fighting the negativity, I have kept strong, and have never once given up.

We have kept strong, all 3 of us. The girls have nothing to do with him, like it matters, he had nothing to do with them during our separation. We all 3 are on this life changing journey together. Yet, we all 3 are changing in our on individual way. We have grown so close together. My oldest daughter Libby, calls us "The Power of 3" and Julie calls us "the 3 musketeers". Whatever anybody wants to call us is fine with me, because no one can call us weak anymore, and no one has even dared to call us that. Friends from back home say they have seen such a transformation in me. They have said they have never ever seen someone transform as much as I have in such a relatively short time. The only answer I have to that....I have found peace. I have found freedom. I have found ME!

I hid behind a mask for so long. Neighbors, and friends, did not even know the real me. Hell, even I forgot who the real me was. Only a select few knew what went on behind closed doors. And when I divorced him, I let all his secrets out. I released all the "bad" and all the negativity. I slowly, peeled away the mask I hid behind on a daily basis, only to reveal who I truly was. For all domestic abuse survivors-somewhere deep down is the real you. You can find your true identity, and you can find that hidden strength you need to move on. It is there, you just have to peel away the mask and dig deep within!

This is a photo I made about 4 months ago. But I loved the mask I added to it. I thought it was fitting for this blog. 

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Life One Week After Being Divorced

Well, it's been a week since I have been divorced and I have really taken advantage of the freedom. Not really, but I seriously have been enjoying spending time with friends and family and doing things I want to do, and doing things I was never really allowed to do.

The divorce went well I guess. Billy did show up for court, in which I seriously thought he wouldn't, but he did. He did not speak to me, and I really don't think he even looked at me but once. I'm not sure why, because I have done nothing to him but divorce him.  He showed up to court without a lawyer and represented himself. However, the judge just asked him a few yes or no questions, in which he replied to as 'yes or no'. When I was asked questions, I replied with respect, as I was taught to respect my elders and authority figures. My witness was brought in to testify for me on the adultery charges. He told the judge everything he saw while he worked with Billy, and he told the judge everything he saw, when Billy brought her to the 'shed' in our backyard, when we were not at home.

My house caught on fire the  of January and we had to live in my Mom's vacant condo. Billy did not like staying at the condo (so he claimed)  and therefor he decided to go live in the shed here at the house. His shed was his man cave, with carpet, recliners, fish tanks, TV, satellite, coffee pot, just about anything an apartment would contain. It was however, the perfect time for him to spend with his little honey. So while we stayed at the condo, he had his little honey in his shed.

My witness being my next door neighbor and his former employee saw everything, therefor witnessed for me. When he told the judge everything he saw and everything he knew, Billy busted out laughing in some kind of evil demonic laugh. Afterwards the judge excused my witness and at that time granted me my divorce on grounds of adultery. My lawyer then asked the judge to grant me a restraining order due to the fact of  his abusive ways..the judge granted me the  restraining order in which Billy started laughing the evil demonic laugh again. Then, it was over. It might have lasted every bit of 20 minutes if that long. The judge wished me well with my new life. My lawyer said, it was probably one of the quickest divorce cases ever. LOL.  Being that Billy and I had no real property to divide, and being the girls are of age and we did not have to fight for any custody, there was really nothing more to discuss except the adultery. I had taken 2 nerve pills before court, so I  am not entirely sure, but I don't even think the judge asked Billy if he denied the  allegations. He did ask him if he wanted to question the witness in which he said NO, and he did ask him if he had anything to say to the court, and he said "NO". So all in all it went really quick.

Afterwards, the girls, my Mom, her boyfriend, and I went out to lunch, then returned back to her condo, so she could give me a cake that one of her friends had made me for me saying "happy divorce day".

Saturday evening, my friends had a small cookout party for me, where we had hamburgers and hot dogs, and margaritas, and the night ended with me doing shots of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum. This was not something I normally do, but I did quiet a few shots to celebrate a new life. Of course I know how to restrain myself and stopped when I started doing some kind of weird twerking, and when the next shot of rum somehow went up my nostrils.

Monday, my friends had me over again to celebrate Labor Day. We left the alcohol alone, and ate BBQ sandwiches. We talked, we laughed, and we had a wonderful time. I felt comfortable, joyful, and content. Something I never really felt around others when I was with Billy.

It was later in the week when I realized how much these friends mean to me. How much they have done for me. Not only are we neighbors, not only are we friends, but these friends over the last few months have become my family.

I have had several people tell me that I look so much better since the separation. I have had others tell me that some people really look so sad and depressed and go through a sort of depression stage, but I look so happy and alive. The truth is...I went through that depression stage for about 2 weeks after the separation, but it was a depression of fear of the future, knowing I had made the right decision but yet afraid of what life had in store for me. Depressed because of all the years I had put up with his shit. But, I snapped out of the depression stage, and I began to focus on myself and my girls and a new life.
I made myself goals, and I strive to reach those goals.

Life after divorce, so far has been good, although its only been a week. I feel alive, I feel new, and I feel whole. I never looked back, I just kept moving forward and I will continue to move forward. Nothing much has really changed since the separation, except that I am legally divorced and my life is moving forward in a new direction. I'm taking chances, I'm making friends, I'm going places, I am doing things I never really did before. I am still afraid at times, afraid he is lurking around, afraid he may pop up out of nowhere when I am in the yard. He rides by the house several times a day on his Harley (he bought after we separated) and I'm not sure why he feels the need to ride past my house daily sometimes several times a day. I still fear him, but I will not be intimidated by him.

Some have asked me if I regret anything..NO. Some ask do I miss him..No. Some ask if I am lonely..NO. I was lonely when I was married. It was a deep, dark loneliness. I am not lonely anymore because I have friends, and I have a life now, because over the last 3 months, I have found happiness within myself.  I can honestly say, I have found happiness!

I am no longer Kelly Sealy, I went back to my maiden name. I am now Kelly Martin.. I am a new me, I am...........Simply Kel.

Before: when I was married. This was Thanksgiving day 2012. 

After: This is me TODAY...Divorced, happy and carefree! 

The change in me is so remarkable, yet so scary!!

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Finding Me

Over the last 3 months, I really had thought of blogging to deal with my emotions. However, as the months went by, I somehow just couldn't put my thoughts and emotions into words, no matter how hard I tried.

In the last 3 months my life has drastically changed. I have found some sort of inner peace that I never knew existed.  I have found happiness, a happiness that no one will ever steal from me again. I found joy where joy never really truly existed. I found strength in which I was lacking considerably.  I found that with all this, I became a different woman. The main thing that was stolen, or robbed from me was self worth, and finding self worth has been the most rewarding.

With having self worth once again, I now dress better. I no longer wear baggy sweatpants with holes in the ass. I no longer wear t-shirts 2 sizes bigger than me that are ripped,  stretched and bleached. I no longer go with out make up and I take time every day to apply my makeup even if I am not going anywhere.  My sense of style has changed in clothing and I even started wearing heels again. I feel better and I look better. I have so many people who tell me not only have my looks changed, but so has my attitude. People tell me they cannot believe how much different I look now, and some even have said I have a radiant glow.

For the first 3 months, I quit eating. I basically had to make myself eat. In doing so, I lost a lot of weight in the beginning. I have sort of come to a stand still now in the weight loss process, but I am still trying. I eat better, healthier and I eat less. I do not snack between meals and sometimes I have to remind myself to eat.

I have found friendship in my family and I have found friendship in my neighbors. I have found that my friends, are my true friends, and that they would do anything in the world for me and in return, I would do anything for them. They have helped me so much in so many ways and to them I am most thankful!
Being able to have friends once again, and spending time with my friends has been so rewarding. It is with them and my daughters that I laugh the most, more than I have in a very long time.

My mom has helped me in ways that I can never express, emotionally and financially. She has gone through the same thing as I, and with her advice, and her strength, I have been able to learn and gain so much from her. She truly has taught me a lot and I love her so much.

In finding a new me, or simply just finding myself once again, I have been very busy. I am no longer controlled and I can come and go as I please, and I can do so alone. Before, anytime I wanted to go anywhere, or needed to go anywhere I would have to take one of my daughters with me. I was never allowed to go anywhere alone. Now, with freedom, I love going places alone. Sometimes my daughters do not understand when I tell them that I rather go to the store alone. Its not because of them, its because I am simply enjoying a taste of freedom.

No matter the freedom, I still find myself seeking the comfort and safety of my own home and my bedroom. Some days I just want to stay home and do whatever I please. Heavily armed with thick huge sticks, baseball bats, tire irons, a small gun, and alarms on my windows and doors, one would think they had entered Fort Knox, but inside, my home,is filled with nothing but happiness and positivity, and is very welcoming and comforting.

Friday, I go for my divorce. My feelings and my emotions have been all out of sorts the last couple of days. I have been crying more than I ever have, and I have been very anxious, very scared, and very worried. It is not like we have any real property to divide, or any children to divide because the girls are 18 and 20. It is just the fact that he can be unpredictable and very intimidating. It is he that I fear Friday, not the court or the divorce, but he.

As I said in the beginning, I had every intention of blogging about my emotions, in helping deal with my emotions during my separation. I would try every night to write something, but nothing would really come to mind. I think deep down a part of me was scared of the change in me, the change in my life, and I couldn't write about it, because I was confused, and not really knowing this new person emerging. I was a stranger to myself. LOL.

I have been traveling down a new road. It is not a lonely road. It is a road filled with happiness, joy, laughter, craziness, friendships, love, humor  and finding new things and new life and as I travel down this new road, I will blog about my adventures, my discoveries, my peace...my journey to a new life, to a new me, but still remaining....Simply Kel.

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me

If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread wings and fly away

I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly, I believe I can fly
- R. Kelly  

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NON Father's Day at the Lake

Libby and Julie decided we needed to get out of the house, and have a bit of  fun. They decided they would take me to the lake, along with their friends.

I am not much of a lake person. I think the view of the lake, is quiet beautiful, but getting in the lake water, is just not for me. Over the years, this did not really affect me too much. It's dirty, it stinks, and all kind of creatures float, swim, and lurk under the murky water.  Plus, I do not like the feel of the bottom of the lake seeping, through my toes. It's funny because I am such an outdoor person and really do not mind certain things.

Years ago, we owned a boat, and every weekend we would go boating. I did not mind jumping out of the boat in the middle of the lake and swimming. My feet did not have to touch the murky bottom, so I guess it did not bother me so bad. Even when we would go camping and  I took the girls out into the water, I did not mind the water so bad.

I think my opinion of the lake changed over the years because of some of the adventures with Billy. For every boat we owned, he had to make them "super boats", the faster they went, the better. Very seldom could we just cruise the lake and enjoy the scenery, but we had to "fly'' across the lake, jumping waves, and turning the boat into waves. We had to pull floats across the biggest waves we could find and try and knock the person off the float. Billy was a daredevil and loved taking risks. I was never much of a risk taker, so these boating experiences either left us fighting about something, or me taking a nerve pill before leaving the house so I would stay calm. Many times, the various boats we had owned would leave us broke down in the middle of the lake, and we would either have to get a "tow" back to shore, or paddle.

I had a wonderful time at the lake with the girls Sunday. I did try to over come my distaste of the lake, and I managed to walk out into the water, with that nasty, crusty, murky bottom seeping through my toes, fish swimming by, and the smell of rotting fish filling my nostrils. I managed to spend every bit of may be 10 minutes in the water before making my way back to shore, under the safety of the shade trees.

I enjoyed watching the girls, laugh and have a great time out in the middle of the water, and it made me smile and laugh along with them. It felt good to see them happy after a depressing long month.

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Turning Negativity Into Positive Goals and Reality pt. 2

In my last blog entry I talked about "what do I want"..today I want to talk about Goals.

It's easy to set goals, but sometimes its difficult to reach those goals, and sometimes it is because we set our goals way too high, or unrealistic goals. I once had someone tell me there is no such thing as unrealistic goals.  If we set our goals too high, trying to reach those goals may be so overwhelming that we simply give up. In setting goals, there will always be set backs, but we have to learn from those setbacks, and we have to continue to strive. When we set realistic goals, or small goals, we can measure how far we have come, or how close we are to achieving them.

In my previous entry, I talked about what I wanted..I guess in a way those could be goals. I want a job, I want someone to love me for me, and me love them, to find true unadulterated love, etc. but in all honesty those are not really goals, those are just what i want from life. To get the things I want, I need to have goals.

In this new journey I am taking in life, I have learned the value of goals. I have set a goal to find a job. Each day I get up in the mornings, dress nicely and apply my make up and set out for a job. I fill out applications online. I  search endlessly. I strive, I push, each and every day, to find a job..I push toward that goal, and I wont stop till I have a job.

You see, for each thing I want..I have to set goals to get them.

Finding a job was suppose to be just a small goal. However, it is starting to turn into a major goal.

MY GOALS:
1. Find a job
2. Lose weight
3. Remove negativity from my life

I think with these 3 simple goals, achieving these goals, I can find and grasp all "my wants" from the previous blog. I can be on my way to finding some sense of peace and self worth inside of me.

And I would like to add one small thing:
To get serious in my photography again. When I was serious and so passionate about it, nothing stopped me from snapping, and focusing on the perfect shot. It helped me when I was down and depressed and became very therapeutic.

I am a flower, opening, starting to bloom, but I am not near full bloom YET!

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Turning Negativity into Positive Goals and Reality pt.1

Just 3 or 4 days after my husband and I separated, I spent $5 on a movie. The movie was titled "The Women".  The movie was about Meg Ryan learning that her husband was having an affair with the gorgeous Eva Mendes. She went through all the emotions of anger, confusion and pain, and had a really difficult time coming to terms with his infidelity. It was also about friendships and bonding with friends. I did not like how the movie ended, but I loved the movie itself.  The movie was a comedy, however it tugged at my heart strings. I learned a lot from that movie. I learned, how easy it is to pull your shit together and go on with your life, but YOU have to know what YOU want!  When Meg Ryan discovered what she wanted, she became a very successful business woman, owning her own company. She did not need him any longer. she lived for herself and not for him.

I have gone through about 3 days of depression lately, not so much depression, but being in a funk. I am having a hard time bringing myself out of it. I am not regretting my decisions, matter off fact I am still very proud of myself for my decisions. I am just scared of the future, what will the future hold, and what will become of me?  I sat down this morning, and I thought back for a minute. Hell, everyone I talk to, says I look better than I ever have. People tell me that I have like a new energy and positiveness about me. They are right, I do, but I still have some sort of anxiety that resides deep in me. 

I had so much negative energy in me when it all first happened, that I used that negative energy to get him out of my house, my property...I sold the stuff he did not take with him. I cleaned his maggot, roach infested shed out, and I burned what I couldn't sell. I wanted him out of my life, and I did not want anything of his near me. I took his photos down off Facebook. I took our family portraits and shoved the mop handle repeatedly through his face over and over again, while glass busted, and shards of glass sprayed everywhere. I screamed words of hate, but I was releasing all that negative energy I had been carrying for so long! 

I used up all that negative energy, in cleaning the yard, cleaning his junk from his years of hoarding, and I used that negative energy to plant flowers, and gardens. 

And now, all that negative energy has been used up, and I feel cleansed of him. 

So now what? What do I do now? 

Now, I need to get over this anxiety, and I need find the energy, take this renewed positive energy I have and put it forth, set it forth in motion, to find what Kelly wants! 

 What do I Want?

1. I want to set goals, realistic goals, goals that are not beyond my reach and pursue those goals head on with a passion. 

2. I want to find my self worth. I need to know I have self worth!

3. I want to love again, learn to love again, but be able love again.

4. I want to be loved, truly loved. Truly loved, and made to feel loved. I want to find someone who can be inlove with me, and me inlove with them, and we both know the value and purity of true love! BUT IM NOT RUSHING THIS!

5. I want a job, a career, one that I am happy with, one that I will never ever have to be dependent on another person EVER, EVER AGAIN. 

To be able to conquer #1 I need to make another list of my goals. That will be for my next blog, I do believe. LOL 

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Laugh if you will, but you will not damage me!

I laugh at those who think they can damage me. They do not know what I think. They cannot even touch the things which are really mine and which I live.
-Epictetus

In the past, my wounds became many. He would always talk about me, behind my back, to others. There were times, he would be so nice, so sweet, so loving to me, yet when I walked away he spoke ill of me. When I was not with him, his friends, my friends, my children, would tell me some of the mean and cruel things he said about me. My children quit repeating his evil words and kept it to themselves. They got to a point where they just did not want to hear it any longer, and tried to tune him out.  They quit telling me as they knew how it hurt me, and they quit telling me, so I would not confront him and begin a fight.

Not all ill feelings were spoken behind my back, but to my face as well. I tolerated it better when he spoke it directly to me. Yet, each time, the knife sliced deeper and deeper. Old wounds  were opened back up. New wounds formed, and the slice of his tongue, the lash of his words, became scars, scars of the pain,  scars in my heart when  I no longer could heal the brokenness
.
When I could no longer heal the brokenness, I stayed away from him, as much as I could. I walked on egg shells wondering what mood he was going to be in. He knew I hated him talking about me. He knew how he could hurt me. He knew the WORDS hurt the worst.

I would silently sing in my head "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". I sang the childhood song in my head, trying to convince myself he could not, and would not hurt me any longer. But I was weak, and each time, I became weaker.

I would cry myself to sleep. My pillow soaked in salty puddles. Why did I stay, when I was so miserable? Somewhere deep down, somehow, I loved him, and with that love came trust. I trusted him. I trusted him. I loved, cared, and trusted him. How in the hell did I become so naive? How did I become so damn stupid?

Manipulative, mind games, powers to control my mind..oh he was so good. He could control me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  He could swoon me just right, he could touch me so gently, he could make love so passionately, he could make me love him so........YET turn around and shadow me with his darkness, speak so violently, glare at me with eyes so red, he could make me cry from just one word, he could make me hate him so.

I became everything he needed me to be...weak, lonely, ugly, fat,  powerless, sad, paranoid, scared, frightened, and depressed.  I became all he needed me to be, I was perfect then, perfect for him, I was perfect in every way. Perfect enough for him to control every part of me..mind, body, and soul.

I hated the person I had become. I hated myself for all I was. I fell into a deeper, darker, state of mind after his heart attack, that almost killed him. He became more mean, more controlling, more verbal abusive and more whacked in the head.  It was during this time, he became someone I didn't know. He was not the same husband. I thought I could fix the old husband. I thought I could rekindle everything we might have had. I thought I could fix us, but in the end, I became too tired. I was too tired to fight. Too damaged to care. Too emotional to continue to make us whole and right. His words became harsher, his actions of talking about me behind my back became so much more, that he didn't even care who he talked to. His infidelity became more and more, and his hatred for me became too clear and in the end, I gave up.

Yes, I gave up!

I gave up, and I decided to end 20 years of marriage. I decided it was time that I take a new journey, a new voyage. A voyage to find the person I used to be. To find the person I need to be. To find the person I want to be. I am starting to find her, and I'm starting to like her, just a little bit.

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